Dating is a steady relationship based on love and companionship according to Wikipedia’s definition published on November 18th 2024. Adolescence increases autonomy as young people move away from parental protection and develop their identity and a n individual perception of adulthood. During this phase, young people also begin to form new personal relationships through dating. It is often quite a personal matter for youngsters and whilst it is exciting, it can also be quite challenging and demanding.
I have worked in youth services since the millennium and have had countless conversations with young people. However, when Iook back, dating is a subject, which has been brought up very seldomly. I believe that the reason for it is that t’s a sensitive, personal subject. It is also a topic, which is rather challenging to approach without sounding condescending. It seems I’m not alone with this experience. When I have discussed with colleagues about this realisation, many have agreed that dating is mostly a no-go subject. Youth workers and I have also realised that there’s a definite need to talk more with young people about dating and its challenges. The question is, how?
Young people mostly talk relationships with their friends. Yet, in our youth development groups, our young participants have expressed that they crave adult support and wish that grown-ups would begin to bring up and address dating. Young adults with experiences of difficult relationships or dating violence have a real need for being heard and having the opportunity for deep and open discussions with professionals.
The key question is how to approach this topic with young people. Do we need to know everything, or everyone involved in the circumstances? Is there enough time to approach and address the topic properly? I have personally questioned do I have enough knowledge and knowhow on the subject? Furthermore, can I offer dating advice when my own relationships have not been successful?
Young people tell they want real connection and available adults who are not tied to schedules or formalities. Youngsters appreciate and crave presence, patience, and a dialogue. Shame often stops them to bring up personal matters as they assume that difficulties are their fault. Youngsters also feel that adults often respond by going off the subject and advise about sleep and nutrition or suggest breathing exercises instead of discussing dating difficulties or violence. The inability to face the subject, evasive behaviour and dismissive attitude towards young people who share their intimate experiences causes silence. Why bother to talk if the responses are condescending: “those feelings are a normal part of being young and growing up”. Those type of phrases imply that young people’s views, needs and emotions are not significant or valid.
It’s crucial to remember that youth workers don’t need to have answers to everything. We as adults can acknowledge our own imperfections and uncertainties. By sharing our thoughts with young people and reflecting together, we can build mutual understanding, learn about ourselves and each other. Furthermore, we can begin to cover topics and discover new perspectives to topics, which have previously been either overlooked or not talked about.
One goal our goals with the Dating Without Violence project is to help professionals working with young people to begin to initiate discussions about dating. Alongside information, young people desperately crave dialogues with adults. Conversations about dating create mutual trust and can be conducted either as one-to-one encounters or by organising facilitated group dialogues. Both options will increase everyone’s understanding about relationships. It is important to learn safe dating, understand the importance of support if there are difficulties and where to get help.
Experiences in adolescent dating relationships influence future close relationships. Those of us working with young people can play a pivotal role in promoting their well-being by creating opportunities for dialogue. Trust is central to love and companionship. Through our example, we can encourage open communication and foster the development of mutual trust in young people’s relationships.
Writer:
Heikki Korhonen
Violence worker
